News

Received wisdom tells you that the news is delivered today by video game professionals narrating from the corner of an eye. But here is the primal news; the ancient, powerful news. To click this link to is plunge one’s hands into the Earth.

I don’t know why you would expect to find some silly comment on a foreign country’s ruling class all the way down here; my entire life is dedicated to the humble promotion of links to news.

I can’t believe it’ not news! What– it is?! (I smiled then, like all of life’s burdens had been lifted from my shoulders. It was just a matter of time.)

The power to drive up back issue prices… is this how God feels?

They told me I’d flown too close to the sun. But I was hotter than that.

Get on the hotline to news! 1-900-TCJ-NEWS, $2.00 for the first minute, $0.45 each additional minute.

There’s only one way to resolve the ongoing issues at Warner Bros. I am going to buy Superman and rename him Mr. Toilet.

Whew, it’s too sunny out for news! (A cartoon news imp appears.) “Oh-ho, well then, I will erase all news from the world forever.” Nooo, Mr. News, I didn’t mean it!! “Well, okay…”

I don’t know about you, but I am keeping cool today! It turns out you can access the internet from inside an enormous block of ice. They told me I was being sealed in here for my crimes… well who’s laughing now?

If I gave you a gift called news… would you take it?

Sipping hard from a beer garden whisky sour as news approaches from across the parish.

I may not be a knight of arts and letters, but I’d make one hell of a squire of article descriptions. Point me at a windmill!

Save us, news! Throw your light down the halls of ignorance! If I am not linked I have only these walls! Ah! News!

Waking up in a pool of sweat and one word glistens in the thick, humid air: NEWSLINKS.

What if… I GOT TIRED OF NEWS. I drop to the floor. But then I hear your claps, your cheers… I rise to my feet… one hand to my ear…

It’s vacation season! For you, NOT for the links. Get ready to pour this smoothie of blended information directly into your brain.

Further brief relief from the mind’s ache of the everyday.

Ah, news, the song of– wait, did we get an Eisner nomination? For BEST ARTICLE DESCRIPTIONS?! Oh my gosh, I am so honored! There’s no way Karl Ove Knausgård of ComicBook dot com can beat me!

Hmm, news. Don’t know what to make of it anymore. Used to be you’d glance at a paper on the stands, raise an eyebrow. Now it’s all modems. The weather…

“Hey everybody! Are you ready to talk about comics this week?!” The festival crowd masses forward and launches an enormous wooden plank directly at my head. I see Iron Man inside the sky.

The other week I learned my four-year old nephew has begun making little zines… laughing in genetic destiny.

Atop a hill enveloped in a blazing sunset, the children play.